Whatever I'm Looking For
by Kiera Matthews
Summary: Chapter 16 up Kate moves thousands of miles in search of something else. Could John Cena be just that?
1. 1

A/N: Another fic. Kate's experiences, except for the marriage, is based on stuff that happened to me, so be kind. Enjoy!-Kiera  
  
I believe that it isn't the good things in life that make us who we are, it's the bad. If something good had never happened, like that boy had never asked you out, your life would of been different, but not radically. But if your grandmother had never died of cancer, if you had never been jilted at the alter, then things would of been so much different and you'd know it. See I think that tradgedy is the most powerful force on earth. Some people could argue that so is love, but I disagree. People can go through life never being love, never loving anyone. You can't escape death and dispair, it was a way of life and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't think that it really matters how we handle it. If we're strong or if we fall apart, so what? Either way, we're only human. The thing is though, people ignore the bad things, ignore them and sweep them under the carpet. I don't see the point. That was why the night of my leaving party I stood up in front of my friends and raised my glass high.  
  
"To me." I began. "To my three wonderfully botched suicide attempts. To my eating disorder which, strangely, pulled me through. To my depression that lasted four years. To my shambles of a marriage and to all that is to come."  
  
Luckily they toasted me and I was later congratulated on such an orginal speech. I don't have anything to hide. Yes I did try and kill myself three times, yes I did have anorexcia, yes I was depressed and yes I did have a sham marriage. I don't know how I came out the other side and the motto 'that which does not kill ect' doesn't apply to me, if anything each experience weakened me. But maybe I never got the chance because they all hapened is such a quick succession over a space of two and a half years that I never got the chance to get stronger. My friends understood, they understood my whole theory and though they didn't agree, they stood by me. It was the cancer scare that did it. I kid you not, a few months ago I found a lump and I was so sure it was cancer I was pratically writing out my will. Thank god it wasn't. I really thought I was cursed and I decided I desperatly needed a change of scenery. So I quit my job, booked myself a plane ticket and my friends threw me a huge party in which their only aim was to get me insanely drunk, and they did. As everything was winding down my friend Julian gave his, more traditional speech.  
  
"We all know Kate and how she thinks. We know that she's constantly trying to be something she just isn't. Kate, we all love you, some more then others, for exactly who you are right now. We hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, wherever you're going."  
  
Julian had seen me at my worst, actually sat by my side as my stomach rejected the twenty odd painkillers I had taken. He once told me that I was amazing after going through what I did and I had laughed in his face. I was just a normal girl and things like this had happened to normal girls. So, how exactly had all these nasty things shaped me into who I was. Well, honestly, it turned me into a runner. If I had stayed where I was I had a feeling that things would just get worse. I stay in my sham marriage, have sham babies, have nothing to live for and eventually, really kill myself. That scared me so I ran away from it, which probably wasn't the best idea, but it was the only real option I had.  
  
I went home that night a little worse for wear to Toby, my sham husband. We had one of those 'if we're 40' pacts, but in one of my depressed stints we brough it foreward, by 21 years. So yes, I was really depressed and lonely, but Toby was nice. We didn't love each other. He hadn't said much about my departure and I never expected him too. I fell into his arms as I went home and told him about the lovely things people had said.  
  
"I'm going to miss you." I said, because it was true.  
  
I had married him for companionship and even thought it wasn't exactly what I wanted, it was nice never to go asleep alone.  
  
"You're drunk." he replied, guiding me upstairs to bed.  
  
"So, you should of come, everyone was there. Julian said the nicest things. But he did say I was trying to be something I'm not. Do you think that?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
I crawled into the middle of the bed and Toby took off my shoes.  
  
"Sometimes?"  
  
"You want to be something else, but who doesn't?"  
  
I took off my jacket, but finding it still buttoned I pulled it up over my head and dropped against the pillows. Toby lay next to me. "Just so you know, I'm going to miss you too."  
  
That night I slept with him. Whenever I did it always made me feel bad and I could never understand why. But technically he was my husband and it was my last night. Tomorrow I would be leaving for my new life and my new job in the WWE. I couldn't wait.  
  
. 


	2. 2

A/N: Wow! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the fisrt chapter (all 8 of you!) I hope you all continue to review and enjoy this and I'm glad it was a good introduction to the character. It's really surprising to think that whole chapter was spawned by the first sentance, I wrote that and the rest just came! well enough. Enjoy-Kiera  
  
2.  
  
The next morning, which as it just so happened was two hours later, the alarm clock went off signialling it was 3 am and I rolled out of bed to get dressed in the dark. I had some really annoyingly upbeat friends who would respond to my bad news and moans with:  
  
"C'est la vie."  
  
Which would earn them a frown off me. Surprisingly, when I told said friends I was leaving they told me I couldn't. Why? I just couldn't. Some other friends had simply nodded and said:  
  
"Yeah. Okay."  
  
I understood their point. I must have told them I was leaving thousands of times before and I never did. My Mum certainly wasn't pleased, but relations between us had been strained ever since I married Toby, well I say married, we eloped. She said the usual, I was too young and it was a mistake. She failed to see the funny side when I replied that was what divorce was for. Half an hour later, after trying to eating a bowl of cereal and battling with my hair the taxi pulled up outside and my phone beeped with a text message off Julian. It simply said:  
  
Gud Luk xxx  
  
I had a feeling I was going to need it.  
  
One flight and a brief induction later I was walking through the halls of some arena I didn't know the name of. I was jetlagged, weighed down with my luggage and following a bald man with a headset.  
  
"This job is no different then any other you've worked in." he told me as he side stepped a half naked man with enoromous muscles.  
  
"Only faster paced."  
  
I was looking around for all the American sterotypes I had. Californian surfers who said things like 'dude!', Carrie Bradshaw types from New York and people in cowboy hats. But I supposed that being from England people assumed I had bad teeth, loved tea and sang the national anthem. I reality my teeth where great, I drank coke by the gallon and the only anthem I knew was 'You'll Never Walk Alone', my football team's song. The bald man stopped and pressed his ear.  
  
"Uh-huh, uh-huh. Right away. Okay Kate! I have to go, but follow the hall round the corner, take a left, the second right and the third door on the left is where you'll find the camera crew."  
  
Then he was gone and I already forget the directions. I wandered aimlessly for awhile, wanting to stop and burst into tears and eventually found myself at a dead end. Just then I dropped my suitcase and it burst open, spraying the floor with my underwear. I swore.  
  
"Great!" I shouted. "Just great!"  
  
A small brunette who had been walking past gave me a strange look before hurrying past the end of the hall. I didn't care if she thought I was a lunatic.  
  
"Fucking great! I've been here five minutes and already it's a disaster!"  
  
I got down on my knees and began tidying up. A blue and white bra was in my face, dangling off the end of someone's finger. When I looked at him, oh my god he was gorgeous! If my friends had been there I would of dragged them off so I could scream like a teenager. But they weren't so I had to act like an adult.  
  
"Is this yours?" he asked with a smirk.  
  
"Yes." I snatched it off him and buried it in the futhurest reaches of my case.  
  
"You're British."  
  
"And your observational skills are amazing."  
  
I couldn't help it, sometimes I opened my mouth and sarcasm came out. When I was still at school, the counciller said it was a defensive mechanism. I called it character flaw, one of many. I began backtracking. "Englad. I'm from England. Britian is four different countries."  
  
Ramblng was another.  
  
"I'm John." he said extending his hand.  
  
"I know, I haven't been living under a rock."  
  
I had the feeling that if I put my hand over my mouth it wouldn't stop the words.  
  
"I mean, I'm Kate."  
  
"Do you have a last name or are you just Kate from England?"  
  
When I met Toby I was the same, sarcastic and offensive and he didn't talk to me. But he never was big of communication. Even when I said :"Hey Toby, I'm going to a clinic because I might have cancer." He just nodded. It seemed John knew how to handle me.  
  
"Kate McKeitty."  
  
"Ah, an English girl with an Irish name. Interesting."  
  
"Not really." then I blurted out. "I'm lost."  
  
"Lost?"  
  
"I'm suppose to find the camera crew and I ended up here."  
  
I zipped up my case and stood up.  
  
"Don't worry." he said. "I'll help you find your way."  
  
John took my suitcase and I followed him out of the dead end. 


	3. 3

A/N: Oh my god! thank you all so much for reviewing. I'm so glad you all like it. Please continue to review and as always, Enjoy!-Kiera 3. I ended up staying in a hotel until Saturday when I was flown to Canada for the weekend house shows. Julian had called twice. I missed him alot, I use to like it when he called me 'baby' because it was tacky and made me feel special. I hated it when he called me 'his piece of ass', but being English it was pronunced 'arse'. But they where baby conversations so even though he never said it, I knew he missed me. The hotel kept me amused with bad pay-per-view movies and the gym which I used once and within five minutes was sure I had dislocated me knee cap. When I arrived at the arena I felt lost all over again, plus my self confidence plummeted when the diva's walked past and I was sure I looked like crap. I settled myself in the canteen and picked over a lasagne. Looking around it reminded me of school with everyone in their own little groups. Just great. I was about to get up when a plastic blue tray landed in front of me and there was John, again. It was sod's law, I was a mess. "Is the food not to your liking?" he asked. "No steak and kidney pie or whatever you Brits eat." I sat back down and folded my arms. It wasn't the fisrt time I'd heard the phrase 'you Brits.' "You'd be surprised to know that the most popular meal in England is an Indian Curry." "So, no Indian Curry?" "I don't like it, I'm more of a steak and kidney pie girl myself." Ok, so my attempt at humour wasn't great, but at least I wasn't insulting him. "How was your week?" "I was hauled up in a hotel bored shitless, it was great." Of course I still had sarcasm. He twigged on. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." John replied. "But the most effective. What are you doing here anyway?" "Being friendly to the new girl. Is that so hard to believe?" "Yes." John laughed. "Are you always so paranoid?" "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." He laughed again. It was completely true and although most people laughed when I said that, I really believed it. Like I remember accusing my boyfriend of liking some other girl when I was still in school. He called me paranoid, I had the last laugh when he left me for said girl two weeks later, only it wasn't so much laughing as crying, but I was right and I liked being right. "How do you like your new surroundings?" ''From what I've seen through hotel room windows, it's ok." "You should let me show you around." I know, any other sane women on this planet would of jumped at the chance, but this was me. The paranoid english girl with the irish name. "I don't think so." I replied quietly, giving the food on my plate such a hard nudge with teh fork it sloped off the plate and fell onto the table. In an ideal world John would of dropped to his knees, torn his shirt and screamed "KATE! KATE! I can't live without you!", it would also be in a street, and raining, and I'd be wearing a designer dress looking smug. John simply nodded and eat another forkful of some red goop on his plate I couldn't identify. "No problems. Well, if you change your mind. See you later." Then he was gone and I felt like banging my head on the side of the table. I have a younger brother named Timmy, when he was younger it was cute, he was cute little Timmy McKeitty. A tiny little boy with blonde hair. Then he hit 15, shot up to 6ft and was as wide as a house and cute little Timmy wasn't so cute anymore. If it hadn't been for the creation of South Park I don't know what we would of done. Of course now we pronounce it 'Tim-may', with the voice and everything. I love my little brother, but unlike my friends he has no intrest in my feelings and during my depression would frequently stop any arguments by calling me 'a pathetic whinging bitch with no friends.' It sucks when your own brother says that. He has no qualms about telling what he thinks about the things I'm doing.He also insisted on calling me Al, which would of made sense if my name was Allison, or even my middle name, but it wasn't, it was Mary. He called me as I was just heading out of the arena. "Al. Can I lend twenty quid?" I stopped dead in my tracks and frowned. "What?" "Alright, a tenner." "How do you expect to get it?" "I'll come round, unless you and dummy hubby are busy." Typically. My own friggin' brother had forgotten that I had decamped to another country. "I'm in America." I could also hear all his thoughts slam up against a mental wall of utter confusion. "What the fuck are you doing there?" "Sometimes I swear you where dropped on your head at birth." And then. "Oh yeah! Sorry Al, I forgot. How is it? Do they all go around saying 'Duuuude' and 'Have a nice daaay.' Do they?" He suffered the same assumptions as me. Blame the media. "No." "What use are you? So, been eyeing up all the men. You know, rubbing them down with baby oil." He laughed. "I'm hanging up now Tim-may." "Alright, but send me that tenner." I ended the call. How pointless. "Tim-may?" John was behind me, already changed with a bag thrown over his shoulder. ''We have to stop meeting like this." he joked. All I could think was it was strike three for me, the underwear, looking a mess now he'd heard me say 'Tim-may' in an actual conversation. The ground should of opened up by now. "Whoes Tim-may?" he asked "My brother who wanted to borrow money from thousands of miles away." He nodded but didn't ask any futhur questions. "Have you got an appartment sorted out yet?" "No. I suppose I'll be living in hotels for awhile." "You really should let me show you around, especially if you'll be staying here until next week." No was on the tip of my tounge but I had contradicting thoughts going around mey head. You know things like why was I saying no? Why was he asking me out? "Sorry, not now. I have to go drive on the wrong side of the road. Maybe next time." I wasn't sure if I really meant it or not. 


	4. 4

A/N: Sorry this took so long and is so short. By the way, Kate's views are not suppose to offend anyone so I apologise if they do. Enjoy! Kiera  
  
4.  
  
I'm one of those stupid people that never learns from my mistakes, even little one's. So when I attempted to curl my hair I wasn't at all surprised that I ended up with a splendid blonde afro that refused to hide under a cup. As luck would have it, I ran into John who'd saw my struggling with a camera case.  
  
"So how was driving on the wrong side of the road?" he asked.  
  
"Exactly like driving on the right side except not." I replied.  
  
"You have no choice in the matter. You're coming out with me and a few other people tonight and if you say no, it means you're being anti-social."  
  
I laughed, thinking he was joking and when I saw he wasn't my face fell. I couldn't go out, I was a mess, all except for my new shoes. The assistant at Foot Locker had laughed when I asked to look at the new Nike trainers.  
  
"Sneakers!" he had said. "You Brits crack me up."  
  
Needless to say I didn't buy them and instead opted for sketchers from somewhere else.  
  
"I can't go out, look at me!"  
  
"Don't worry. We'll go somewhere dark. No-one will notice."  
  
He smiled and then walked away leaving me dumbfounded. I wasn't sure whether I hated him or not.  
Still, I needed to run straight to the make-up girls and beg them to do something with my hair., and my face. I was almost there when my phone rang. There was no name but I recognised the number. Home, or more importantly, Toby.  
  
"Hi Toby."  
  
"Hi Kate. Just wanted to know how you where doing and everything."  
  
He sounded nervous.  
  
"Good. How are you?"  
  
"My Mum's been going on and on about how I can find a nice girl now you're gone."  
  
I laughed. "She was like that when I was there!"  
  
I had never been completely sure why Minnie, Toby's mother had hated e. My family where always civil with him, they'd invite him for Sunday dinner and everything. Come Christmas Minnie wouldn't even give me so much as a card.  
  
"Found any nice girl's yet?"  
  
"No. You found any bad boys?"  
  
"Of course. I have them lined up around the corner. You know me."  
  
"Yeah. By the way your Mum says if you don't phone her soon she'll hire a hit man to get you, and knowing her it's probably true." "Right. Will do."  
  
We said our goodbyes and hung up, but I didn't phone my Mum. What could I say about my lovely Mum? First of all she wasn't so lovely. I remember reading in Harry Potter then Mrs. Wesley could look like a saber tooth tiger, and so did my Mum. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. But she's so full of do's and don'ts that it drives me up the wall and it's much easier not to talk to her. I'd leave it until later.  
  
But later I found myself with John, jammed in a booth at some dark bar with lots of big men and pretty divas, all laughing loudly. I had counted ten full minutes before someone said:  
  
"So, Kate. You're from England right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"What's it like there?"  
  
"Like America with class."  
  
I knew how patriotic some people could be and as soon as the words left my mouth I half expected some to give me an earful. But they laughed. It seemed sarcasm was a crowd pleaser. Someone gave me a hard at on the shoulder.  
  
"Good one."  
  
I took a sip of my drink, mostly to stop myself saying anything else.  
  
"Are you even aware when you're being sarcastic?" John asked me.  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you ever anything but sarcastic?"  
  
"Only when I'm drunk." I replied holding up my glass.  
  
"Well then, let's get you drunk."  
  
Oh I could tell this wasn't going to end well. 


	5. 5

This was not how I wanted my life to end up at the tender age of 21. Drunk and only partly conscious having a stranger help me to my hotel room. I had gone through off the phases that clearly show 'Kate is drunk'. Using the phrase 'mate' obsessively, adding fuck into every sentence. Saying 'you know what I mean' , and 'I'm not being funny' in a thick scouse accent (I have no idea where it comes from. It's usually very mild). Then there's the biggest give away. Denial.

"I'm not drunk!" I slurred at John as he dragged me out of the lift and down the hall. "I don' even know why you're 'elping me anyway. You don' even know me!"

"Sure I do." John said, propping me up against the wall, then immediately diving to catch me as a slid towards the floor. "You're name is Kate McKeitty."

I laughed, because obvious things are always funny when you're drunk. "I know. Kate McKeitty. You know, if you reversed my first two names I'd be an Olsen twin!"

I laughed again at the notion, but I wasn't too sure John found it funny.

"Ok, I think it's time for bed now. Where's your card key?"

I dug deep down in my jeans and produced my Tesco's club card, god knows what use that would be.

"Kate!"

"It's gone." I said simply, and when he let go I sunk to the floor and stealing the cap off his head in the process. "I'll sleep here."

"In the hall?"

"Indeed."

Then I started laughing again. I can be such a disgrace sometimes. John smiled, only for a second, but I still saw it.

"Come on."

He held his hand out and I took it, but made no move to get up. He pulled hard and I was on my feet.

"You can stay in my room."

John put his arm around my waist and I put my head on his shoulder. The phone in my pocket began to buzz and vibrate and I screamed in shock. The screen was flashing : _Home_

"'lo."

"Kate?"

"'lo."

"Kate it's Toby."

"'lo Toby. Guess what."

"You're drunk. I know, I can tell."

I giggled and leaned against John so more.

"I've lost me room key! How fuckin thick am I?"

"Very if you've managed to lose your room key."

"Wait. What the fuck are you doing up at six am?"

"Stuff to do." was Toby's simple question, and I was surprised I even remembered there was a whole time zone between us. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"In John's room." I said and gave John a push.

"That was quick. Anyway, call your Mum she's going spare."

I rolled my eyes, when wasn't she. "Right. Will do."

"Not now!" he said quickly. "Call her in the morning."

"Aye aye Cap'tain. Gotta go, love you love you love you, bye."

Then I hung up. John didn't say anything. What can I say, I get very loving when I'm drunk.

By the time we reached John's room, he had to carry me. My legs had begun giving up on regular intervals and I couldn't blame them. Everything had gone hazy and fuzzy, my head seemed too heavy and I was grateful when John put me down on the bed.

"Here's your cap." I mumble, taking it off my head and giving it to him.

"Keep it." John whispered.

"I'm a disgrace." I told him. "A really big fucking disgrace."

"No you're not."

"I am." I whined, almost on the verge of tears. "God, look at me now."

"You're drunk Kate. That's all."

I put my hands over my eyes. "No. It's worse."

John pulled my hands away, and even though he was so close I still couldn't focus. "Just go to sleep. Everything will be alright in the morning. I promise."

I rolled over and shut my eyes, my stomach already feeling as though it was going to reject all that whiskey I had drank. May it was my imagination, or a hallucination, but I swore I heard John say

"You're not a disgrace."

Whatever. I so was.


	6. 6

Chapter Six

My Mum Eileen was the reason other countries assumed we always drank tea and sang the national anthem, because she did. I loved the fact her name was Eileen, whenever she was running late I could sing 'Come on Eileen,' and I did, often. She wanted the best for me, like most mothers do, and the best did not mean marrying Toby. But she was nice about it, well as nice as she could be while saying 'You've messed up your life'. I could handle her most times, but not when I was suffering from a crippling hangover, which was obviously when she called. My hangovers came in two forms, the one where I can move and the one where I'm dying. This was the latter and listening to the Muppets theme in monophonic wasn't helping.

"'lo."

"Oh thank goodness! Kate I thought you where dead!"

"Don't be dramatic Mum, if I was dead Julian would of told you."

"That's just lovely, you've always put your friends before your family."

"That's not true."

For reasons beyond me, the curtains opened, sunlight hit my face and I screamed like I was a vampire.

"What was that noise?"

"Me Mum."

I looked out from behind the safety of my pillow and saw John standing by the window laughing. I made a mental note to kill him later, or when I was feeling better.

"How is America? Been shot yet?"

"Mum, don't be so stereotypical." I warned.

"Anyway your Aunt Janet wants to talk to you."

Bad bad idea, my Aunt Janet was insane and I have trouble maintaining conversations with her no matter what time of the day or my state of mind. She insisted on calling me Katherine, despite that not being my name, and she couldn't go a sentence without calling me Katherine, or using a term of endearment.

"Darling girl," she started with a heavy sigh. "Darling Katherine, why did you leave Toby? I know some people who shall remain nameless didn't approve, but buttercup, you two where a lovely match. Are you getting a divorce chicken?"

"I don't know. It's just a change."

"Dying your hair is a chance sweetheart, moving to another country is something different altogether. I half expected babies soon dear. Why not Katherine?"

"Aunt Jan, we never talked about that."

"I know baby, but we can only hope. You had been married since you where 17 my little lovely."

"And I'm only 21 now." I reminded her.

"I know Katherine. Oh honey, come home and have babies."

"I have to go to work now Aunt Jan."

I had to crawl to the bathroom and die.

"I'll call you later."

I'd rather have all my teeth pulled.

"Ok kiddie. Bye."

I pulled the covers over my head and shut my eyes. I felt the end of the bed dip as John sat down.

"How you feeling?" he asked.

"I want to die. I really want to die."

He laughed and once again I wanted to kill him. But I didn't have the strength.

"Want something to eat?"

It took everything I had not to throw up there and then. John laughed and left the room, I closed my eyes and promptly fell back asleep.

For the next few days I was alone in the hotel and hoping everyone had forgotten the stupid drunk girl from the week before. Paranoia happens to be one of my strong suits, and I was so convinced everyone was laughing at me that I wore the biggest hat I could find when I had to go to work, along with a jacket that hid my lower face, just for good measure. Of course, if hiding was also one of my strong suits, I would of done it years ago. John pulled my hat off as soon as he saw me.

"What have you been up to all week?" he asked.

"Nothing." I replied, reaching madly for my hat which he held high up above my head. Damn the tall bastard.

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing."

"How about you come out with me?"

"No I can't, I won't have lived down last week I can hear the imitations now."

"They won't be there, it'll be just you and me."

I stopped reaching for my hat, it wasn't important anymore. What had I said last time he asked me out? I know I had said no, but I was sure I'd said something else about it, even if it was only to myself.

"Come on Kate. I'm not going to do anything, I just want to take you out to talk."

"Why? It's not like I'm the best conversationalist. You forget that you're talking to Miss Sarcasm UK."

"That's why I like talking to you. Come on, or you won't get your hat back."

"It's your hat, keep it."

I turned to walked away, expecting it to be one of those scenes where John would look at the hat in a bewildered sort of way while I sashayed off. Of course it wasn't like that, John followed.

"Why don't you want to go out with me?"

"Because....."I began, and finished there. Why didn't I? Oh that's right, I was an embarrassing drunken English bint. John was the opposite in everyway.

"I don't bite."

"Happy to hear it."

"Kate, this is for you. You're stuck alone in a hotel room in a new country for days on end. I don't get anything out of this, besides your razor sharp tongue, and I don't mean that in a dirty way."

Too late, already made it dirty and was laughing to myself. What can I say? My mind had been in the gutter ever since I met Julian. Boys are bad influences.

"Fine. I'll go with you."

He smiled and gave me back the hat.

"Here, you need this to hide your face."

Git.


	7. 7

You know how all women think they're ugly and fat, then sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and think 'hey, I'm not so bad' ? Well I wasn't having one of those days. I was staring at my reflection with utter contempt as I tried in vain to apply eyeliner. Eyeliner is the bane of my life, every other women on the planet can put it on and get the smoky sophisticated look. I end up looking stupid and it always ends up under my eyes create huge dark circles. I tried to move on to mascara, but I put too much on and when I blinked I ended up with big circles around my eyes. Needless to say I swore loudly. I hate make up, I have no idea how I ended up with such an abundance of it. When John knocked on the door I had managed to apply it properly and brush my frizz matic hair (yes, frizz matic is a word I made up, but it suit's the mood my hair was in).

"What, no cap tonight?" he asked.

I fake laughed. "You're so funny! Ever thought of doing stand up?"

"You will stop using sarcasm all the time when I'm through with you."

Please, if my teachers and friends and family couldn't stop it then John had no chance. I invited him into my room and prayed he wouldn't mind that I was using anything but the wardrobe to store my clothes, what can I say? I'm a slob.

"You look nice." he said, trying to sit on the bed with sitting on clothes.

"Please, I'm wearing my fat jeans."

John laughed. "You are not fat."

I let that slide and searched for my sketchers which where already going grey.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"No idea. What are you in the mood for?"

I wasn't an adventurous eater. I liked traditional things and you would never catch me eating a meal prepared by a celebrity chef, you know like a chocolate cake with chilli powder, I swear I've seen that once.

"Italian." I replied, because that meant I could order lasagne or pizza.

"Italian it is."

So we left.

As it turns out, John didn't know any Italian places and I shot down his idea of Thai. We ended up in Denny's, which I didn't mind. As soon as our drinks had arrived, mine being a coke with ice and no JD, he began the whole 'so tell me about yourself' round of questioning that I had heard from my friends was very first dateish.

"You know about me."

"It was you who said I didn't."

"When?"

"When you where drunk."

That explained it.

"Short hand version, I was born and lived in Liverpool all my life until I moved here. I have a younger brother, my parents are still together, my best friend is called Julian and my family are either as mad as hatters, or uptight."

"That's not so interesting." John sounded slightly disappointed.

"I'm not interesting."

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Red."

"Why?"

"Because my football team play in Red."

"Football or soccer?" he asked.

"English football, you're football is rugby, except when we play rugby there's no padding or helmets because the British are tougher then the Americans."

John laughed. "Yeah, I'll humour you."

What did he expect? I was British, I had to stick up for my country, I was use to sticking up from my city. Somehow, years ago the rest of the country had developed a stereotype that everyone from Liverpool lived on council estates, stole things and said 'calm down, calm down' which was pure bullshit. I was frequently threatened whenever I ventured outside the city by people who would laugh at me and say

"Can I have the wheels back on my car?"

And when I didn't laugh they would say

"Calm down, calm down." in an awful faux scouse accent before saying they where going to jump me. British people could be pricks sometimes.

"Do you miss home?" John asked when I hadn't said anything for five minutes.

I didn't now, but to be honest I hadn't been thinking that much about it. When I was there it was just a place where all these bad things happened. I mean obviously all those things would of happened no matter where I lived, but it leaves you with certain feelings about a place. Whenever I visited my Mum, I had to drive past the hospital where I went for counselling and every time I went past it I would be reminded of all sorts of things I didn't like thinking of. I hadn't even reailsed I'd gone all nostalgic until John hit me across the hand with a fork.

"Ow!" I shouted, pulling my hand back.

"Thought I'd lost you. You've been staring into space."

"Sorry. It's a bad habit, one of many."

I finished the rest of my coke in one go and looked for the waiter to order another.

"How did you get into camera work?" John asked. He was starting to struggle to keep the conversation going.

"Well I did Media in school and I despised any other subject so I took it in college too. I wanted to go to University but...I didn't and a local cable station needed camera operators."

"Why didn't you go to University?"

Toby. He didn't forbid it or anything, but with neither set of parents liking the arrangement we needed our own place and even we both of us working at weekends, £4.80 an hour wasn't enough for rent and bills and food and you can see where this is going right?

"I didn't live at home and I needed the money."

It was at that point our food arrived and gladly the messy conversation ended.

John invited me back to his hotel room. I've learnt from friends that this is not a good sign, that the man in question will expect something in return, but if I'd already passed out on his bed and come out unharmed I thought I'd be ok. His room was a lot tidier then mine, but he hadn't been living in hotel rooms for weeks. He turned the television on and I sat on the edge of his bed.

"Kate, you are really something." John told me.

I laughed. "Yeah, nasty, rude, unstable...."

"No. A good something."

Not surprisingly the conversation didn't go any further then that, I left and went back to my own room.


	8. 8

Sometimes when I'm on my own, I go a little insane. It hasn't happened much because I was hardly alone, but I'd been sleeping in hotels for five weeks so it had to happen sooner or later. First came the giggling, you know the mad giggling you can't shake when you see something on TV and it doesn't matter if you've seen it a thousand times before, but you can't stop it and eventually you stop making noise? Well it happened to me when I was watching The Simpson's, I fell off the bed and ended up on the floor, only managing to regain my composure when I grabbed the remote and turned the channel which in retrospect wasn't a good thing. Dirrty was playing. I'm not a good dancer at the best of times and you should never ever dance when you're having a mad half an hour, but there I was, spinning around the room, shaking my hips, swinging my hair and moving my arms. I didn't stop when there was a knock on my door, I didn't _think _to stop. Not even when John was looking at me and smirking did I stop, I just put more effort into it.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Fantastic. What do you want?"

"I thought you might want some company."

"No, I've got MTV, I'm good."

Then I promptly shut the door in his face and carried on, only for there to be another knock.

"Are you sure you're alright? You seem very…"

"Bouncy?" I filled in helpfully as the song changed to Hey Ya.

"Yeah, bouncy. What's with that?"

"Isolation has driven me crazy. Want to dance?"

"No thanks."

I shrugged and danced back into the room, it was only when I turned back and saw John still watching me that I realised how much of an idiot I looked and promptly stopped, turning the TV off so I wouldn't be tempted.

"I mean, come in."

"Don't stop dancing on my account." John said shutting the door behind him. "Anyway, there was a reason I came here. How about you stay with me?"

Every thought in my head just stopped and believe me, that's a lot. In my head I'd been going over everything I had to do before I left for the arena, which pile of clothes on the floor was clean and how gorgeous John looked, but it all just stopped.

"What?"

"It's a good idea, I mean you've been here for weeks and you're still living in hotels, come stay with me."

"John you don't know me."

"Yes I do."

"I could be axe murderer. So could you."

"Are you?"

"That isn't the point."

I began picking things up from the floor and transferring them to the bed, in a feeble attempt to keep myself busy, it was another one of my nervous habits, it was the same when I was sitting at a computer, I had to get up every fifteen minutes even if I only went and brushed my hair I just had to do it. Besides John had put me in an awkward situation, so I'd been with boyfriends for a shorter length of time before sleeping with them (it happened once and I was drunk), but it wasn't the point, John didn't know me and I didn't know him.

"It's a really sweet gesture John, but I can't. Anyway I'll have my own place soon."

"Are you scared of me or do you not like me?" John said abruptly.

"What? What makes you ask that?"

"When I first met you, you made every excuse not to go out, then not to go sight seeing or do anything with me, now this. Do you not like me?"

Telling him I wanted to marry him and have his children didn't seem acceptable (and I didn't want to get arrested for bigamy) so I just shrugged.

"Of course I like you, it's just…like I said, you don't really know me."

"What don't I know?"

The scar on my wrist gave a tingle, a very Harry Potter-esque thing to do I thought, but I ignored it.

"It doesn't matter. Don't take it personally."

Why would he? This was me, insignificant Kate, I didn't think he'd mind not having me taking up his spare room.

"Sure, whatever, I'll see you at the show."

He left and my mad mood had evaporated, I decided to clean.

My Mother thought she would be helpful and send some 'things' to me. That was exactly how she said it on the phone, actually Aunt Janet said it when she called me, slightly hysterical when I hadn't phoned her back when I promised,

"Katherine dear! I was worried sick! Anything could of happened to you sweetie!"

Sometimes she was worse then my mother.

"Anyway darling, your Mum is sending you some things and she needs your address."

Things could of meant anything, I was expecting clothes or something, but when room service called me down for a 'parcel' all I found was one thick jiffy bag address to 'Katherine Richardson.' Bloody Aunt Janet had sent it in my married name, I wondered for a second why she'd addressed it and not my Mum. I took it up to my room and pulled it open to have a stack of photographs fall out onto my knee. For the life of my I couldn't understand why she'd sent them but there they where, in a mess on my knee. Me and Timmy, me and My Dad, me with my eyes half closed and my arm around Julian, me and Toby on our wedding day. Four years may have gone by, and I may now have been technically an adult, but I didn't look any different, even my hair was the same style. Toby hadn't changed either, except his hair was longer now in a Daniel Bedingfield style. He'd surprised me that day, he'd turned up at the registry office in a suit and everything, we actually looked like we had just got married and not, as I dreaded, like two over dressed teenagers on a night out. I still had my dress at home, it had been cheap. £30 cheap which I loved. My Mum had been very suspicious when I showed her the dress (a cream halter neck with a calf length skirt and a golden waistband, sounds disgusting but it really wasn't).

"Where are you going to wear that too?" she'd asked when I showed her the Monday before me and Toby eloped.

"Sarah's 21st. I told you that's where I'm going on Friday with everyone, over to Ireland for her big weekend away."

"Right. But all your going out clothes just about cover your backside and you in cream is just asking for trouble."

I got out of them one by throwing a tantrum, I accused her of thinking I wasn't mature and stormed upstairs. She apologised, but took it back when I came home and told her what I'd done. I wondered what Toby was doing, but I didn't get much longer to think about it, someone was at the door. I knew it was John because he was the only person I knew on this side of the Atlantic.

"No dance routine today?" he asked.

"Maybe next time. I'm working on something to go with Destiny's Child."

I gave my hips a swing.

"Last chance to come home with me, and believe me, many women would kill for this chance."

"I'm not like many women."

"I know."

That was his third remark like that. If this was baseball he'd be out, or basketball or some other American sport I was yet to understand. John went home and I stayed in my room with my pictures.


	9. 9

Like a lot of people, I have my good days and my bad days. I was use to my bad days stretching out into bad months where I'd get a three week break and they'd come back. Very rarely I'd end up in the neutral zone where I was ok, not good and not bad. Where I was just content with everything going on. I think I liked that best, because the bad months made me want to die, I knew what was coming after the good weeks but the neutral suited me just fine. I remember after first boyfriend left me, I was in the bad stage for six months, only I had to put up the good front and once the bad stage had passed I went straight back to neutral and that was pretty much how I stayed for a long time. I was thinking about all this when I was watching a chick flick in my new apartment, I couldn't remember the name of it and why should I? They where all the same. Anyway, the main character has been dumped four minutes previously and now she was jumping around all happy. I was sitting on the couch scowling and thinking

'It doesn't happen like that!'

And then, out of nowhere I suddenly thought

'When was the last time I was that happy?'

So I turned off the television and thought for the longest time. It took me about forty minutes before I got it, it had been when I was with first boyfriend. When I was in that floaty in love stage. It depressed me when I realised how long ago it had been, but before I could head straight into bad stage, my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Kate, it's John."

I should of guessed, he had phoned the day before and promised to phone back, just to see how I was settling in. To be honest, I was glad to hear his voice, it was a very well timed phone call. If he was phoning me in meant I wasn't a complete loser with no friends, and gave me less time to dwell on all the and stuff I'd been thinking about.

"Oh, hi."

"How is everything? All unpacked?"

That was a stupid question, what few possessions I did have where still in boxes or suitcases and it would be a while before I could be bothered unpacking them.

"Yeah, all unpacked."

He didn't have to know I was a slob.

"Enjoying your days off?" I asked.

"Yeah. Listen, on Tuesday there's going to be night out between all the wrestlers and the crew. You know, sort of a Christmas night out? Will you come?"

After last time and the shame with the whiskey and losing my key? Hell no. Why did everyone I worked with need to know that I had a problem holding my drink? But if I said no then I'd get accused of being anti-social and John would shout.

"Sure. Why not?"

As long as I didn't drink, didn't say anything stupid or do anything stupid I'd be ok. But this was me, so the chances of this ending well where slim.

I couldn't do it. I know I said I would, but I just couldn't and I was desperately trying to avoid John so I wouldn't have to give him my lame 'I have a headache' excuse which I knew he wouldn't buy. So when I saw he was standing right besides me as I checked the tape in my camera I pretended I couldn't see him. It didn't work for too long because he nudged me hard in the side.

"Kate."

"Oh, hi."

"Yeah Hi. Look, I'll meet you outside later after the show ok?"

I bit my lip. "About that, John…"

He raised his hands to stop me. "What is the problem? I'm trying to be nice and you keep brushing me off. Why?"

Why indeed? Here was a perfectly nice, good looking man and I was doing everything in my power to stay away from him. What was with me? Well here's what's with me. I'm not pretty, or thin or funny. I'm a screw up, messed in the head. John had to have a ulterior motive. He really had to, but I couldn't figure out what it could be. I didn't have a best friend he could dump me for, so I was stuck for ideas.

"I'm not…"

He interrupted me again. "Whatever Kate. I'll speak to you later."

Then he left me alone and my bad mood crept up on me again.


	10. 10

A/N: I know this is a long time in being updated, but as what Kate is going through is based on me I tend to only write this when I'm upset (which obviously sucks for me) Anyway, I hope you can all tell that first boyfriend has a lot to do with how Kate feels now. If not I've just given some of the plot away. Oh well! Enjoy!-Kiera

One day after I'd been married to Toby for eighteen months, I woke up and thought 'I'm sick of waiting for everything to magically change. I'm sick of waiting to feel better and to finally move on'

Truth was I probably would have been alright a long time ago, but there had been some messiness. I had just married Toby when first boyfriend broke up with his ex and despite what he'd done to me he'd always been a nice person. We became friends and then one day he kissed me and everything began to fall apart again. I got confused, I wasn't sure what I wanted or if I had feelings for him. Eventually after a few weeks everything began to settle down again, we where friends, good friends and then he got back with his ex. Even now I can't explain it, but it felt like some huge blow to me, like somehow I'd lost all over again. Julian had a theory; Julian had lots of theories about the whole thing.

"You see when he left you it was a huge rejection and you where only just starting to get over it when they broke up."

I was nodding along earnestly, I wasn't sure if I believed him or not but I'd listen to anything.

"When he kissed you it was like a validation, for you anyway. If he kissed you then he mustn't think you're horrible and repulsive and even though you two where never going to get back together when he got back with her it was just another rejection to you. Just like he was dumping you all over again."

It made sense, after that I didn't talk to Julian about it anymore, I wallowed all alone by myself, I stopped eating, started drinking but no one noticed. Time moved on and if I say I forgot all about it, that would be a lie I just thought about it when I was on my own and then later I'd go sit with Toby, thankful that I wouldn't have to go through that heartbreak all over again.

For some reason I found myself thinking about this when I was sitting in the canteen after Christmas break was over, I was on the end of the table not eating my soup and looking around. I was looking for John though I wouldn't admit it to myself. When I saw him he was sitting with a huge group of wrestlers, all laughing, he looked at me for a few seconds then turned away. I didn't know what to say to him, what could I say? Did he want me to apologise for not wanting to look like an idiot? I don't know why he was taking it so personally, or why he was spending so much time with me. There where better people for him to take an interest in all around. I picked up my bowl and decided to go check the equipment, just to give myself something to do.

I was halfway down the hall, desperately trying to think of anything else besides John and first boyfriend when someone shouted my name. Sure enough it was John.

"Hi, how was your Christmas?" he asked

"Lonely." I replied honestly.

"That sucks." He stopped and looked around the hallway, for a crazy second I thought he might be nervous about something. "Look Kate, I'm sorry about what happened last time I saw you."

"It's ok."

Of course it wasn't ok, I was a woman damn it, I held grudges over the simplest things and considering I could be very sensitive I held a lot of grudges.

"It just that every time I try and get close to you, you pull away."

"I'm adjusting to this and being here, that's all."

He adjusted his cap. "No, see, the thing is Kate that I like you."

I could hear what felt like a thousand voices in my head take a collective gasp and scream' WHAT!'. But I just smiled nervously and tried to put a logical spin on it.

"I like you too John, we're friends."

"No, I like you more then a friend."

This time my heart stopped. "You can't."

"Why not?"

"Do you want a list?"

"A list of what?"

"Reasons that you can't like me more then a friend. I'm hardly diva material am I? I'm sarcastic, I get drunk too easily, and I say the wrong things all the time."

This was actually a condescended version, the list was well planned you see. There had been many occasions when I would recite it to Julian when he asked why I thought I couldn't get a boyfriend, that was before Toby. The real list ran I'm ugly, I'm fat, I tend to become emotional unstable when the break up happens, I'm not sophisticated, I get paranoid…actually it went on and on for awhile and I was still talking to John.

"Anyway it doesn't matter, you can't like me."

"Do you really think all those things you just said about yourself are true?" he asked

"I know they're true, I'm stuck in this body so I should know."

"Whatever, I would really like to take you out on a real date, if that's ok with you."

I was suddenly ripped in about five different directions. I wanted to go, but I was scared. He couldn't possibly think I was nice so he had to be after something else. Part of me didn't want to go, but I didn't want to upset him. I suddenly felt sick.

"I'll think about it." I told him

And I left as quickly as possible without actually running.


	11. 11

A/N: Thank you to coors1977 for reviewing. You where indeed suppose to laugh at 'the list' but you where spot on, you where suppose to feel sorry. Even Kate doesn't know how messed up she is really. Anyway, enjoy!-Kiera

I didn't know what to do and I hated thinking about the whole thing. For the rest of the day I busied myself with anything and everything. I did the most mundane and boring jobs just to keep my mind off John because thinking about him and what he had said made my head spin and not in a good way. There was no way I could go out with him for reasons mentioned on the list, I just couldn't this was John and me. Of course no matter how hard I tried to avoid him John was everywhere, whenever he saw me he would smile and wave and I would scurry off in the opposite direction, my attempts to avoid him weren't subtle. What else could I do? I had no idea what to do, I had no idea what I even wanted to do which didn't help. When the show ended he was waiting for me and all I could do was force a grin.

"You know what Kate," he began before I had even taken a breath. "I know what you're going to say, I can tell a mile away, well I don't know exactly what you're going to say but I've got a good idea. "

"Really?" I asked feeling slightly uneasy.

"It wasn't so hard to figure out after you're little pep talk before. But don't worry, whatever excuse you're going to give me Kate I don't want to hear because I won't believe whatever you have to say. You're coming on a date with me no matter what."

I reached up and grabbed a strand of my hair and began twisting it nervously. "John..,"

"No, I don't care. Come on."

I couldn't and when I feel pressured and stressed my scouse accent becomes sharper and I tend to get aggressive, I could tell it was happening already.

"I can't."

"Yes you can, it's not that hard Kate, really."

God how little he knew. Things like this where always easy for people like John, but not me, I was different and he just didn't get that.

He had grabbed my arm in what I suppose was suppose to be a gentle manner, but I was pulling away.

"John, no. I can't go out with you."

"Yes you can."

I pulled my arm away as hard as I could, I must of looked like a possessed women or something because John took a few steps back.

"No I can't! I can't go out with you and I keep telling you that but you won't listen."

"Why? And don't give me one of those half assed reasons you gave me before."

Half assed? I wanted to slap him because now he really had no idea and I was passed the point of being scared, I was just annoyed, really annoyed.

"Why do you want to go out with me anyway?"

"Because I like you!"

I rolled my eyes and tried to fix my bag. "John look, I appreciate this and everything but you don't have to do all this to make me feel special or something. I was happy just being friends with you and you don't have to try and prove anything to me."

He frowned and I realised I hadn't explained my whole theory to him, I didn't think I would have to because I assumed he knew what I was talking about.

"You think I asked you out to make you feel special, not because I like you?"

"Not special exactly, I think maybe you where trying to help me fit in or something. But don't worry, its ok, I'll speak to you tomorrow."

I waved briefly and then I really did run in the opposite direction, I had to.

In an attempt to block out the horrible scene in the hallway I committed the ultimate sin, I headed directly to the mini bar and like I always do when things go bad I began to drink. To be honest drinking isn't my problem, its stopping that's the problem. I sat on the bed with my little array of bottles, ignored my ringing phone and watched Ally McBeal re-runs and desperately tried not to think about John. It was hard, damn hard because I have trouble letting go of anything at the best of times and when I'm drunk its ten times worse, I began ranting out loud and I didn't even hear someone knocking on the door.

"Kate."

"Bugger off!" I shouted and there went another bottle, empty in three seconds flat.

"Kate! Open the door!"

I gave a loud sigh and rolled off the bed, crawled over to the door and by some act of god managed to pull myself up.

"Are you drunk?" John asked.

"And?"

I wandered back into the room and dropped onto the bed letting him decide if he wanted to come in or not.

"I guess now isn't a good time to talk about what happened."

"Its never going to be a good time to talk about that." I informed him seriously and rooted through the pile of empty bottles for one that wasn't so.

"I think you need to,"

I had spent the larger part of my late teen years talking about what was wrong with me. I was tired of it, basically because I was unable to figure it out and John didn't need to know that.

"We talked, its ok."

"What you said in the arena was wrong."

"I'm never wrong about stuff like that and it really doesn't matter."

"But you are wrong."

I held up my hand. "Stop it, look I'm alright with it, so go to bed or something."

"Kate."

I threw my bottle down and looked at John, who to my surprise was sitting right next to me.

"What?"

Before he could say anything my phone rang again and I reached for it.

"Really John, I may be drunk but I know what's going on so lets forget it and be friends."

It was better that way, for both of us.

"Whose on the phone?" he asked just before he left.

"Toby."


	12. 12

A/N: Thank you to coors1977 and alys for reviewing. I know the whole Kate/John getting together dragged on a bit, but how Kate views herself and why will be important later on. I just want to say to coors1977 it didn't feel as in anyway that you where knocking me at all when you said Kate needed to give herself a break, she does, she just doesn't know how to. I'm glad she seems so real and that was a foreshadowing! Anyway, as always enjoy!-Kiera

The conversation between me and Toby didn't last very long, apparently my Aunt Janet had been around to try and persuade him to come get me. I thanked the gods that I didn't have a hangover the next day, but then remembered all about John and the messiness that was going on there, which made me feel sick. I had more luck avoiding John that day, until the end of the night when he was standing behind me as I was packing away. My heart stopped and I tried to act normal.

"Hey, good show tonight. The crowd was so loud!"

He just smiled and nodded and I desperately tried to figure out what he was going to say. I wondered if I should bring up the night before, but decided against it.

"Is everything alright?" I asked nervously.

"Not really."

"Why what's wrong?"

"Everything you said last night."

Not this again, I really didn't want to have to go over it all, I just wanted to forget it ever happened and be John's friend. I picked up the camera case and started twisting my hair again.

"I told you it was all ok and it is."

"No its not. How can you not see how much I like you? No matter what you say to me I still keep coming back, doesn't that prove anything to you?"

I hadn't even thought of it like that, but there must be a reason.

"I'm not doing this to make you feel special, but you are."

I almost laughed out loud, there wasn't anything remotely special about me, and even my Mum would tell you that. I was just Kate, and that was the end of it.

"John…"

I didn't even get a chance to say anything else, to make an argument of any type because John kissed me. My mind completely froze over and I couldn't move, I just stood there like an idiot when I know I should have been basking in the fact that John Cena was kissing me. By the time my mind had started processing the information John had pulled away and for once I had nothing to say.

"I have no idea how you see yourself or what you think of yourself, but I see a totally different person and you should too. Now, if it isn't too much trouble and if you finally believe me, I would like to take you out. Is that ok?"

I still couldn't move, John took my silence as a yes.

People don't believe me when I say I've never been out on a date. With first boyfriend he just asked me to be his girlfriend one day and that was that, we'd been together a month before actually went out with just the two of us and me and Toby where never boyfriend/girlfriend, we where never in the stage before that. We just went from being friends to being married as quickly as that. I had no idea what to do, how to act, what to wear or where he was taking me. We where going out after the show a week later, so I had to be presentable for work as well which pretty much meant jeans. All attempts with make up and hair products failed miserably and I only had time for lip gloss once the show had finished. I looked a mess and I felt like one too. When I'm nervous I either put the chain I'm wearing in my mouth or mess with my bottom lip which makes me look insane, I was alternating when John showed up and my heart ended up in my throat.

"Ready?" he asked

No, I was never going to be ready. I would need plastic surgery and a stylist to be ready, but there wasn't much time so I just said yes. I was already wondering what John wanted out of this. Just sex? Because I'd been there before. Or could it be possible that he really liked me and wanted something more? I supposed I'd find out.

Dinner went without many problems until just before desert arrived. I was wondering if he though I was a pig if I ordered cake when he suddenly asked

"Why did you come here?"

"What?"

"Why did you come to America? What was so wrong with were you where?"

"Everything," I muttered. "Me and Toby discussed moving somewhere else in England but I needed a clean break."

"Who's Toby?"

I swear my whole brain just screamed 'Shit!'

"Oh Toby, he was my housemate. Best friend really."

John nodded and looked back at his menu. I sighed internally, it wasn't a lie, was it?


	13. 13

A/N; Thank you to coors1977 and Dixieixa for reviewing. I'm sorry you didn't get to see more of the date and there will obviously be more about Kate/Toby. I would also like to say thank you especially to coors1977 for her nice comments on how I write John and for all the lovely reviews she has written. Enjoy-Kiera

John was a perfect gentleman, he paid for the bill and kissed me on the cheek when I we got back to the hotel and as soon as I shut the door the butterflies in my stomach started up even more. I couldn't believe that I'd just been on a date and not screwed it up. I felt this was a valid enough reason to celebrate, which meant buy a bottle of coke, a trashy magazine and a bar of chocolate from the shop downstairs which I enjoyed as I watched television in my room and wondered what was next. Did John want to see me again? How many dates would it be before he either cast me aside or began introducing me as his girlfriend? I tossed the chocolate bar aside and decided my new diet started now.

I couldn't help it, the next day I found myself singing 'Lola' at the top of my lungs while I set up at ringside. At that point it didn't really seem to matter, the arena was empty and it was just me, plus I was in a good mood. I think I was somewhere into the second verse when John tapped me on the shoulder, my face went bright red.

"Hi, how long have you been there?"

"I could hear you singing from the ramp."

I cringed, I had no idea I was being that loud. "I'm practising for American Idol." I replied.

"You know, I think you have to be American to get on that show."

I shrugged. "It's ok, Simon Cowel is British, and he'll let me in."

"Not if you're singing like that."

If Julian or Toby had said that I would have hit them in the side, but John didn't need to know about my boy beating tendencies just yet.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go out again next week after the show maybe?"

He sounded really nervous, then again how many times had I turned him down?

"Sure, I'll see if I can fit you in between my other dates."

"How many of them have you got?"

"Five." I answered automatically and adjusted the focus on my camera. "It's an online dating service."

He shook his head at me, the way Toby did when I said something stupid. "I'll talk to you later Kate."

Then came this really awkward moment, he moved to kiss me, but I turned and he got my cheek as well as a smack from the camera. I was mortified and John mumbled something before rushing off. I could have died. I was going to run after him to apologise for being so clumsy, but when I put my camera down he was talking to some diva on the ramp, she was small and way prettier then me. I felt my heart drop like it had been made of lead. John smiled and waved at me before heading backstage with her, and I went back to work calling her a slut in my head.

That night I had a whole series of Ally McBeal to watch and cookies to eat. It never works out like that; as soon as I got out of the shower Toby was calling me.

"Missing me that much?" I teased.

"Something like that."

Truth was I was sort of missing him too, but it was only natural. I'd seen him every morning and gone to bed with him every night for years. Some of his friends didn't get the whole notion of us being married. Some of them would slap him on the shoulder and make jokes about me being 'sex on tape'. Strangers where baffled, when we'd go out (the we being me Julian and Toby) people would see me with Julian all night and when I'd kiss Toby ask Julian what he was going to do about that bloke kissing his girlfriend. Sometimes I couldn't understand the whole thing and I'd been stuck in the middle of it.

"What's up?" I asked

"I just wanted to make sure you where ok. You know, you haven't done anything stupid yet."

"No, I'm sound."

Actually I was freezing; I was soaking from the shower and was parading around in a towel.

"Good, good. Just checking on you."

"This coming from the same person who let me sleep on the door step all night."

He laughed.

"I was drunk too you know."

There was a knock at the door and I headed to answer it with the phone still in my hand.

"Fine way to treat your wife!"

John was there and I gave a little scream. He looked me up and down and smiled.

"You didn't have to get all dressed up for me." He said.

"Toby, I've got to go."

I hung up and hid behind the door.

"Can I come in?" John asked.

This was my worst nightmare, really, half naked in front of John. I wanted to die.

"Only if you promise to shut your eyes while I get dressed."

"Ok, I promise."

He walked past the door with his hand over his eyes and I ran into the bathroom, it was only once I got in there did I realise all my clothes where out in the bedroom, luckily I bit back the need to swear. I opened the bathroom door just a bit and looked out; John was sitting on the bed.

"Are you alright?"

"You have to shut your eyes again, I've got no clothes."

"I could tell that when I walked in."

"This isn't funny!" I screamed and he laughed again.

I ran out as quickly as I could and pulled on a pair of pants throw over the table, but finding a top was a different matter and I gave up with a sigh, deciding to tighten the towel around me and get rid of John as quickly as possible.

"Is this a new fashion trend?" he asked.

"I just got out of the shower and god knows what possessed me to open the door."

"I like it."

I suddenly remembered the pretty diva and being mad at John. "Is there a reason you're here?"

"I thought we could hang out or something."

"No, not tonight."

"Because you're half naked?"

No, because he obviously had better things to do then hang around with me. Was the diva busy?

"I have people waiting for me to phone them, you know, back home."

He nodded. "Ok, cool. Well if you finish early enough call me and we'll get together."

I walked him to the door and stood out of the way slightly so nobody could see me in my fetching jeans and towel ensemble.

"Oh and Kate, one more thing."

He kissed me again, and just like before I was caught off guard by it, but I didn't stand there like a frozen fool who'd never been kissed before. I actually kissed him back and I suddenly remembered I hadn't kissed anyone other then Toby since I was sixteen and worried was I really bad at this. It seemed not, he shut the door with one hand and backed me up against the wall and this could go to all sorts of messy places I wasn't ready for. I pushed him away as though he'd just said something deeply offensive.

"You should go John."

He kissed me once more, quickly on the lips and then he did leave.


	14. 14

A/N: Thank you to vipersa, corrs1977 and huntersgirl for reviewing the last chapter. Enjoy-Kiera

My days at home amounted to a pile of nothingness, I slept until the afternoon, I stayed up late talking to my friends back home on the internet and I watched a lot of TV. There wasn't really a lot for me to do, I didn't need food so I didn't have to go shopping and this, rather unfortunately, gave me a lot of time to think about things I don't like thinking about. I'm one of those people who dwells on mistakes, even years after they've happened something will suddenly remind me of something I once did and I end up cringing about it for weeks. Over my few days off I was thinking about the way I sometimes tended to behave when I was sad and how at the time it seems perfectly reasonable and later I feel like a huge drama queen. It's not my fault, I tend to have very bad judgement about these sorts of things, it just happens to be my natural reaction to burst into tears when something goes wrong, regardless of where I am. I'm a very sensitive person, too sensitive to be honest. I would love to be one of these people that nothing bothered, I would love to have an icy, cold exterior and I really try to pull one off, but underneath it all I'm just a big jumbled up mess of emotions and I often find that no matter how hard I try to hide that, I never can. The scar of my wrist is easy, so is the eating disorder and the depression, but somehow the emotional mess always finds its way out.

The day I returned to work for the next I ended up stuck in a meeting for three hours straight and to amuse myself began sending messages over my phone. Remember how I said solitude could make me go mad? Well so could having to be silent, I think it has a lot to do with me disliking authority. It started off innocently, it was just a simple message really 'How is your day?' and I sent it to Julian, Toby, John , Timmy and a few other people and left my phone on the table only to have it give an abnormally loud BEEEEEP four times in a row as everyone replied at once. Everyone turned to stare and I hid the phone under the table whilst my cheeks burnt to read my replies.

Julian: Hung ova, wud like it if u came home soon.

Toby: Worked all day, missing me that much?

John: Where r u? Been looking for u all day

Timmy: Boring, have no money, can u help?

I rolled my eyes, this was going to be a pain trying to get all the right replies off to everyone. As I hit send the last time I switched my phone to silent and tried to seem interested in the new camera system we where going to be using as of next week. My phone shook as I got a reply, it was John.

'Missing u as well. Dinner later?'

I frowned and went to my outbox then realised how stupid I can be sometimes. I had sent the text to meant for Toby to John instead. My mind went into overdrive, now John would think I was missing him and thinking about him, and that I thought our relationship was actually a relationship and not just dates and at that point I had to turn my phone off and take a deep breath. I tried to rationalise things, if John was missing me then he must think we where more then just dates, but I wasn't sure if I was ready or if I even wanted that. I know people would think I was crazy, John was sweet and funny and gorgeous. But me and him in a relationship meant things that I just didn't want to face. I turned my phone on and punched in that I was busy all week. I might not be able to hide emotional instability, but I could hide myself.

It turned out that there was a problem with some of the equipment in the tech vans and I was sent to try and help out. I thought this was some sign from God that he was giving me a break and I would be allowed to hide from John, until I was told John would be filming a brief segment in the van and they wanted me to appear on camera with him. I didn't have much choice.

"All you have to do is take the tape off John and say 'Yes Sir.'" Someone told me, five minutes after I was told about the segment and thirty seconds before it was due to start.

Some I nodded and then someone shouted 'Action!' and John walked in

"Excuse me, can you play this tape on the titontron?" he asked and handed me a tape.

I didn't even look at him, I made sure our hands didn't touch and I muttered my one line. I knew what I was doing was cowardly, I knew that I was acting cold because I didn't want John to think I was that interested, I knew it was stupid but there was nothing I could do about it, it's just the way I am. I'm messed up and it was when I said that to myself in my head that I realised it was probably best for John not to get involved with me.

John caught up with me in the halls and I had no idea what he was going to say but I had a fair guess for what it would be about.

"Kate, about that message earlier…"

I braced myself for the onslaught

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it was too quick and I didn't mean to scare you."

That I had not been expecting, was John really on my side?

"I get why you where acting strange in the truck."

I shrugged slightly still caught completely off guard and not knowing what to say.

"We'll just take it slow."

"Do you think this is a relationship?" I asked suddenly.

"I don't know, do you? Do you want it to be?"

I wasn't sure, I didn't have an answer.


	15. 15

A/N: I know it's been forever and I'm sorry! Thank you to Insane Zula, wrestlenascargirl, hunters girl, vipersa and alys for reviewing. Enjoy-Kiera

15.

OK, in hindsight, going home and unplugging the phone so no one could get in touch with me was probably over reacting just a bit, but let's face it my track record of relationships wasn't exactly good was it. There was the messiness of first boyfriend and then Toby, though you couldn't really call us a relationship could you. We even tried to see other people despite being married to each other and it was fine, well I say we, what I mean is Toby went out with a girl for a weeks but they broke up when he tried to explain that I was his wife, but we weren't in love. Lots of people had trouble grasping the situation, and who could blame them? Half the time I didn't even get it.

To my utter shock and a little bit of disappointment it turned out that John hadn't even been trying to get in touch with me, he'd been 'busy'.

"Why?" he asked after I questioned him. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, its' fine. I was just saying incase you had tried or something."

But he shook his head. "No, it's cool."

So I left it at that and went on my way, and as usual it nagged at me all day. I mean, ok, so I had no idea if I wanted to be with John, but now that the possibility that he didn't want to be with me was creeping up I felt like crying. I tried to forget about it, push the feelings down, but this was me talking, Queen of Worrying. I spent all day thinking about it, trying to work out what to do and eventually I came to a conclusion. I had to explain to John, as clearly as possible, all about Kate. Why I did certain things and acted certain ways, just so he'd know that I wasn't being a bitch or something, so he'd know that it was simply the way I was. When the show ended I brushed my hair, took a deep breath and went off to find him. It didn't take long, he was heading to the car park with his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hey." I greeted as happily as I could, trying not to let my nerves show.

"Kate, I need to talk to you."

Now I know that no one on gods green earth has ever wanted to hear those words. Needing to talk translates into, I have something bad to tell you and we're not going to actually talk about it because I've already made up my mind and nothing you say can change it.

"Oh, right. Now?"

"Yeah, that's probably for the best."

I nodded and began messing with my bottom lip while John switched his bag to the opposite shoulder.

"You know I like you Kate, I really do. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, the last thing of a night and pretty much everything in between. I can't get you out of my head because I think you're amazing."

I'd forgotten how to breath. Really, I just couldn't remember how to breath, I was so stunned that I think I even forgot my own name right now.

"The thing is," John went on. "This is too hard, you're making it too hard for me. You have no faith in yourself so you have no faith in me. I have no idea what happened to you, but you're so scared of what might happen if we get together that you freak out about it all the time. We're not together Kate and now I don't think I want us to be. If it's like this now what would come next?"

Now I was stunned for a different reason. He shifted around and looked at the floor.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what to do."

Neither did I, he was right of course. I mean I couldn't expect him to want to be with me when I was acting like a monumental screw up right at the start could I. I smiled and nodded.

"Hey, don't worry dude, it's all ok. I get it and it's cool."

He frowned. "Really?"

"God yes! Anyway I have to go, see you later."

I patted him on the arm and waited until I was around the corner before I began to run, and I had to run because standing in front of John while he was saying those things just meant that I was a big huge fucked up failure. I already thought that about myself, but I didn't need someone else telling me did I?

I was out in the parking lot, still running when someone grabbed me from behind, I yelped in surprise, but it was only John.

"Kate…"

I pushed him off me. "I have to go, I'm late for something."

"Wait, I need to talk to you."

I smiled again, but even I could tell it was nowhere as convincing as the last one.

"We already did, remember?"

"I know, but…"

I began walking backwards. "I have to go. See you later."

With that I ran to my car and jumped in. I had so much going on in my head, I couldn't cry could I? You don't lose something you never had. There was one big thought, a main one that dominated my head when it probably should have been pushed somewhere near that back, and that was no one had ever ran after me before. Did that mean something? Or was I going insane?


	16. 16

A/N: two chapters in two days! You lucky people! Still awhile to go with this yet. Thank you to coors1977, vipersa, Insane Zula and Mel for reviewing. Enjoy-Kiera

16.

I sat in my hotel room for the longest time, just thinking. I lost track of time and by the time my instincts took over and I realised I needed to eat it was 4 am and the only place around was the vending machine in the reception. So I dragged myself off the bed, laced up my shoes and left, with my head firmly in some deep dark place. I didn't want to think too much about John and everything he said, but this was me and he was all I could think about. Part of me got a little bit angry, I couldn't change who I was, I couldn't go back in time and not go out with first boyfriend could I? So this was the way I was, I was stuck with that and if John couldn't accept it then to hell with him.

I was busy putting all the blame on John, and cursing the America sweets that had different names then the ones back home, that I didn't see him until it was too late, but that was becoming a regular occurrence.

"Still up?" he asked nervously

"No, I'm sleep walking." I bit back, restraining myself from adding, 'now fuck off'

"Glad to see the early hour hasn't done any damage to your wit."

I hit some of the buttons on the machine so hard that it shook. "Tell me John is this just idle chit chat or is there something you want to say to me?"

He faltered for a second. "About before…"

"Oh, before. When you basically told me I'm a screw up failure and you can't be bothered putting the work in to get me?"

Even I was surprised when that came out, and if I was you could imagine the look on John's face.

"That's not what…."

"Well that's what it sounded like." I cut in before grabbing my packets from the bottom of the machine. I straightened up and glared at him. "Do you have something to add to it or what?"

"You give the most mixed signals in the world!" John shouted.

"What the hell is your problem? One minute you're telling me you don't want me, then you're following down the halls!"

"My problem is you! You're my problem Kate and you know it! Now tell me what yours is!"

God, it would have been nice if I'd been able to, that way I would have been able to pin it down myself and sort it out. Of course I could always tell him all the little bits, but he already thought I was unstable, I didn't need to back up his theory did I? It was my turn to stumble over my words.

"I…it's just…"

Then I stopped and took a deep breath.

"You know what, I'm insecure, I have low self esteem and I don't trust people! I have to make everything hard for other people to protect myself!"

"From what? From me and you possibly having something together?"

"From getting hurt! It always happens!"

"So what? You're just not going to take another risk ever again so you can stay safe? That's not living!"

I felt like screaming and telling John that while it may not be living, for me getting hurt or used meant dying and I couldn't do that.

"Then I'd rather stay safe." I told him simply.

"Are you ever going to believe me when I tell you how amazing you are?" He asked.

I shrugged, people had told me things like that in the past, but I'd never believed them, so what made John any different? Perhaps it was the fact that so far he hadn't actually done anything to make me suspicious of him. Here hadn't been a little thing he'd done that had set off a little pang of dread in my stomach and that meant a lot.

"I want to try." I confessed to him. "I really do, but I'm scared."

"Don't be."

It wasn't as easy as that, I think in a way John knew I thought that, but I lied and told him it would be ok, and John believed me, which in a lot of ways was his biggest problem.

"What now?" I asked because I need verification as to what had just happened.

"I think now I should kiss you goodnight."

He moved closer, but I took a step back. "Wait, does this mean this is a relationship?"

"Yeah, I think it is."

I took awhile to get back to my room, my head was spinning but my phone was ringing and I dizzily reached for it.

"Hello."

"Hey Kate."

I grinned. "Hey hubby. What's up?"

"I thought I'd take a break from my thrilling work to phone my lovely wife and see how she was."

"I could have been asleep, it's almost five am here!"

"Yeah, but I know you. You use to sit up until seven in the morning just typing." Toby replied.

I climbed onto the bed and kicked off my shoes. "Ah, ye know me too well."

"I should hope so, I only saw you every day for how many years!"

Good point.

"So, are you missing me enough to come home yet?" Toby asked and I laughed.

"Are you having trouble paying the bills or something? Come on Toby, you don't want me to come home!"

"Of course I do! I miss you, but your Aunt Jan keeps phoning, I swear she's going to show up with a plane ticket soon."

"Hey if she does that take it. Come and keep your darling wife company from the yanks."

"Will do."

Our conversation ended there and I attempted to sleep. But for a long time something was tugging at my head, bugging me, but I didn't know what it was.


End file.
